When you’re debating with a friend or colleague, and they disagree with you, you might use this phrase: “I see your point, but..” and then add your counter-argument.
For example, say you’re talking about the best tennis player of all time:
Pavel: “It has to be Nadal. He’s won 14 Grand Slams and has a strong record against Federer.”
Me: “I see your point, but Federer has played longer, has won 17 Grand Slams, and Nadal came along after Federer had peaked…”
“I see your point” is a phrase used to acknowledge that you’ve been listening to the other person’s opinions and views. But here’s a question:
Has this just become another politically-correct phrase we use when discussing and presenting our arguments?
I think so.
When someone says “I see your point, but..” sometimes it feels like they weren’t really listening. That it’s become another polite phrase like “Yes, but..”
Do you feel the same? Sometimes “yes, but” or “I see your point, but..” sounds like they have just been waiting to make their point and don’t wish to discuss what you’ve just said.
Of course it might depend on the situation, such as if you say this phrase with sincerity or whether it just sounds like ‘one of those phrases’.
So here’s what I recommend instead:
Showing You Do See Their Point Of View
If you want to show that you really have been listening to your friend’s points, and you wish to acknowledge them, you could paraphrase what they’ve just said.
In other words, you can summarise their opinion before giving yours.
For example:
Pavel: “It has to be Nadal. He’s won 14 Grand Slams and has a strong record against Federer.”
Me: “I see your point, Pavel, that Nadal has beaten Federer many times, in fact it’s something like 23-11, and Nadal might have even won more Grand Slams if he hadn’t got injured. But Federer also had injuries in 2013 and then bounced back to be world no. 2 at the age of 34, which is incredible. Plus last year he was in 2 Grand Slam finals against Djokojvc at his peak. Overall, I still think he has the better record.”
I believe your communication and relationships will improve if you show that you can see what others are saying.
In fact, a good exercise to practise is to think of an issue and be able to argue different points of view on it.
Take abortion, which is a very controversial topic especially in the USA.
Basically the Secular Progressive movement says that if you’re against abortion, you’re against women’s rights. Hence the term ‘the war on women.’ For them, the right to have an abortion is a womens’ rights issue.
On the Republican side, they say they want to protect the life of the unborn. For them it’s an issue of being pro-life.
Who’s right? Well, this issue will be discussed over the next 1000 years as I don’t see either side changing or compromising their core values.
However, let’s look at it from afar:
To the Secular Progressives: “I see your point. You believe a woman should have the ultimate say on what she does with her body, and the state shouldn’t interfere with her wishes. It has nothing to do with the state. In fact, isn’t this idea in keeping with Conservative values, keeping the state out as much as possible from our lives?”
To the Republicans: “I see your point. You see life as beginning at conception and so you want to protect the life which has already begun to grow inside the woman’s body. You also don’t want to see body parts of the unborn being sold. The unborn baby is still a life form and we should do our best to protect those who can’t speak up for themselves. Every life matters.”
Unfortunately some people debating abortion have turned it into an ugly slanging-match. Some Secular Progressives call Republicans ‘anti-women’ and ‘bigotted’ while some Republicans call Secular Progressives ‘murderers.’
Meanwhile the deeper issues don’t get addressed. What they could do is come together and decide on areas where there is common ground, and one way to do this is to debate this honestly and openly by seeing where the other side is coming from.
Read Widely, Think Widely
When you read more books, journals and media you begin to see that the world is diverse and that indeed there are more than just two points of views on an issue.
Seeing the other side – and sides – will expand your conversation skills.
If you follow this model, and going back to our chat about the best tennis player, you could then have a big conversation about other possible players (Laver, Sampras, Djokovic) and also discuss the criteria of how to choose the greatest player of all time. If you’re a tennis fan, that’s at least a one hour conversation right there!
And regarding the example of abortion, Secular Progressives and Republicans could discuss ways on how to minimise the number of abortions each year by promoting sex education and women’s health issues, while still leaving the ultimate decision to the woman. They could also discuss government help for women in poverty for those deciding to keep their baby. Do you know of any states where this is happening..?
Summing Up
When you’re debating with a friend or colleague and you wish to show you understand their point of view, or you wish to clarify their point of view, try paraphrasing what they just told you. It’ll improve mutual understanding and they will feel that you are indeed listening to them.
Let me know how it goes!
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