“I really like Gillian. She’s nice and has a lovely sense of humour, but I just don’t love her.”
I bet you’ve heard the ‘2 positive points about someone before you hear the big but‘ sentence, right?
Another example:
“Yeah, Jason’s great. He’s fun and takes care of me, but, I’m not happy with him, there’s no spark.”
We all say but sentences but, er, there’s a problem
I’ve heard but sentences from all my students today (during 3 individual sessions). On the one hand, this is a universal structure – native English speakers say it, and it’s in Czech too, so my students today were using a common chunk of English.
We want to say something nice about someone before we then say the negative part. The problem, however, is that the first part of the sentence simply becomes meaningless.
It has no point.
Even the pronunciation of this sentence makes it clear there’s going to be a but:
“The guy’s really clever
and works a lot
but he’s not exactly fun.”
This is said with generally downward intonation, and because the intonation goes down with each ‘part’, we know the but is coming.
So we forget the first part of the sentence, and focus instead on all the words after but.
Can you say it better?
A simple improvement is not to use this downward intonation. If you say the first part of the sentence like you really mean it, this in itself will help!
So say it with sincerity – and not because we both know you’re going to say a special ‘but sentence.’
You can also shorten the sentence:
“Look, he’s a great guy but I can’t see myself marrying him.”
Or what about just saying what you really want to say?
To take the examples above:
“Y’know, Kate, I just don’t love her. I’m not in love. I wanted this so much, but I’m not feeling it.”
Or
“There’s no spark with Jason. Even though I’ve tried, we’ve both tried, it’s just not working.”
Other phrases
If you feel you need to ‘soften up’ your message or communicate how serious you are, you can use these phrases:
I’m afraid I don’t love her.
I’m afraid to say that it’s not working.
Look, it’s not really working.
I just don’t love her.
You can say how you feel
“I feel disappointed/let down/angry/hurt because…”
You can ask a rhetorical question and then say what you mean
“Have you ever met a guy who you really liked, but it fell apart pretty quickly? Well, that’s Roger and I.”
“Do you remember how much I thought she was The One? Well, it’s not working anymore. I think I’ll end it with her..”
Getting off your ‘buts’
I’ve highlighted ‘but sentences’ above in the context of two people speaking about someone else.
However of course we say ‘but’ sentences directly to our friends, family and loved ones.
Imagine a guy who hears this from his girlfriend:
“Ed, you’re a really sweet guy, you’re nice to be around with, but…”
You know the rest, right?
Personally, I’d rather hear the important message she wants to communicate – in a sincere way – than getting an insincere ‘but sentence.’
For example, if you want to end a relationship with someone or tell them that they’re fired (= sacked, dismissed), or anything else which is not good news, consider an alternative:
“Leonard, when you flirted with that other girl, I was so, so angry. I realise now that I’m not happy and, to put things out in the open, I don’t think this can work anymore…”
Leanard may not be happy, but then he calls his mother and says:
“I feel disappointed and sad she ended it, but at least she didn’t use a ‘but sentence’ on me!”
…
Do you have any ideas on how you give bad news to someone or talk negatively about someone?
Please feel free to comment below, and to share this post with your friends.
Francisco Javier says
Intonation makes all the difference. Keep a level tone and no one knows what’s coming ๐
Another option is to say, “OK, give it to me straight”. Works every time.
Martina says
Hi David,
very good examples hot to use “but” without “but” ๐
I will have to memorize because I used to use but so often.
Thanks for your advices!
Martina
David Sweetnam says
Hi Martina & Francisco
Yeah, “give it to me straight” is a nice phrase to use when you feel you’re being ‘but-sentenced’
Martina, how do you remember English words & phrases?
David